One of the biggest things I've struggled with throughout my life is not knowing what to do with it.
I have dropped out of school three times. I'm thousands of dollars in debt. I've made enemies and blocked numerous people online. And I've started a business with no education on marketing or how to run a business.I'm the poster child for imperfection. But I'm making it work.Shame is a universal language, so I'm not gonna tell you to be more grateful or give you any of that toxic bullshit.Why is it bullshit? Because you are doing the best you can, and that is more than enough.Happily Mander is here to clarify that it's okay if you say the wrong things sometimes, and it's okay if you forget to be thankful, and any decision you make is the one that is right for you.Excess noise can fuck right off.
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About MeI have always thought of myself as a very special person, and maybe that’s just because my ego is pretty big. But the point is, my confidence was trying to bust out of me before I was even aware of it. Every morning when I rode the bus to high school and listened to my iPod, I would imagine myself walking through the hallways of the school with the confidence that I knew I had inside of me. I just didn’t know how to pull it out.Though I was a very optimistic little girl, there was a deep darkness inside of me. Many are not aware of how dark the depths can be in my mind. Through the years, the darkness pulled me down until I was under the surface. In my third year of university, I found myself in an abusive relationship. If you’re not aware of the tragic ending to this story yet, it ended with me in a hospital bed and a dead boyfriend after a dual suicide attempt.It took me at least three years to even WANT to start healing. When I did, I found what worked for me. I love talking to people about my problems, and it’s even better when they don’t try to help unless I ask. Usually, when I talk through my problems out loud, I figure out the answers. Because they lay deep within my brain!When I met my boyfriend Patrick, I wanted to fall in love with him. This gave my brain and heart the permission to fall out of love with my broken masterpiece of a past and start writing a new future and a new story. When I found myself surrounded by supportive people and in a healthy environment, as a result of my life changing from meeting this wonderful man, I started to grow the way I was supposed to.I am an extremely emotional person. Everything makes me cry, and I mean everything. Sad moments, happy moments, commercials, movie trailers. Give me a good montage and a good soundtrack and you’ve got tears. I am extremely passionate about people with mental health coming out and talking about the problems they struggle with, and I try to lead by example in this area as much as I can, but I can admit that I can be much better at it.I love to make jokes, but a lot of the time I’m the only one laughing. But I still laugh because it makes me feel good. I like the way my smile feels, so when I’m upset sometimes I force a smile to try and cause one naturally. It works more than you’d think. (Thanks, DBT!) I’m a storyteller, and sometimes there are little details that I misremember. I always have the right lesson, though. Nothing makes me happier than sitting in a room with people I love and telling stories about what I remember from my childhood. (Thanks, overdose!)I have been suicidal many times. I’ve been so suicidal that I tried to leave. But something or someone pulled me back to this life and I can never be as grateful as I should be. Enjoy the time you’ve got here because it might end sooner than you had expected. I should be thanking God more for the fact that I don’t remember how scared I must have been. I’m a strong person but I crack very easily. I never fully break, and I can always put myself back together with the help of the people who love me, but my emotions are always in the forefront of my mind and will always play a role when it comes to my decisions and choices.If I wanted people to know one thing, I’d want them to know that it’s okay to be scared to live. It’s okay to want to die sometimes, because you will eventually learn that you don’t want your life to end. You just want drastic changes, and with enough work, you can actually make that happen. It’s just not going to happen overnight.I also want people to know that your life doesn’t have to be perfect. I don’t recommend striving for perfection at all. It will be an endless pursuit towards something that doesn’t exist. Perfection is a social construct made up by the government to try and get us all to conform easier. Do I sound like a psycho? Oops, I don’t care! It’s the truth I live by and I don’t strive for perfection, ever. I strive for imperfection, for showing my unique messiness, for coming to the party with toilet paper stuck to my shoe but still having the prettiest dress.
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